Dear Writers,

So, you’ve decided you’re a woman or nonbinary writer and would like to submit to Funny Women. Out of all decisions, this is the best one you can make.

Submit:
Direct your entry below. 

Length:
The ideal piece is finished and polished, revised 3-100x, and between 650 and 1,000 words. I do not accept pitches or sexts.

Content:
While humor/satire is grounded in truth, we do not accept personal essays/anecdotes. We publish fiction. But not short stories, which are different from short conceptual humor and satire. For examples, please read our archive or other sites like ours (Daily Shouts, McSweeneys.net, The Belladonna, Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Flexx, Little Old Lady Comedy, Awf Magazine, etc.)

My favorite submissions:

Are literary and feminist at the same time. Usually they make fun of/ridicule writing, reading, publishing, and sexism.  

Note that publication is about "fit." Many pieces aren't published on a certain site NOT because they're bad but because they're not a FIT for THAT SITE. <3

Timely vs. timeless: 

Send evergreen over timely pieces (holiday themes, weather, politics, etc.) because it often takes months to read a submission after you've written, revised, submitted and followed up on it.

Cover letters:
Not necessary, but you should know it's 10x harder to pass on your submission if your cover letter is super nice and exudes confidence and evidence that you've read and loved the column/me.

Formatting:
No tricked-out formatting that tells me something about your soul. Keep it simple and readable.

To include in your submission:
Title of submission, your name, email address, and favorite piece of writing by someone who is not a straightwhitecisman.

Author bios:
Please! Even if you've never been published (and who cares if you haven't), you can still reveal the city where you live and if you have any pets.

Previously published work:
Nope. Send original pieces—not archived blog entries.

Payment:
Confirmation that you have in some way changed the world’s mind about who’s funny. (You'll get a little money, but keep your expectations low.) (Lower than that.)

Response time:
I have anxiety dreams and lifelong guilt that I don’t get back to you when you think I should. Please understand I receive hundreds of submissions and have day jobs. Response time varies—between two minutes and eight months. I know. Forgive me. Have patience. I care about you.

Assistant editor Gina DeLuca reads submissions before I do, which has transformed the submission process. 

Reasons you might not hear back:
None. I’m not heartless. If you don’t hear back after eight months, then I didn’t get to your submission. Follow up with me via email: funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

How many pieces may I submit at once?

One. Wait until you hear back on one piece to submit another, and (this is me helping you) don't submit a new piece the moment after a non-acceptance (instead, reflect on why your first piece wasn't a fit for the column and how to improve the second).

Some reasons I might not choose your piece to appear on Funny Women:
  --You wrote a poem. (I love poetry but am not qualified to edit it.)
  --You wrote a personal essay or short story.
  --You submitted a "top 10 list" or a listicle. (McSweeney's Internet Tendency has a special section for lists; try them. Note: I do love lists that consist of 5-9 paragraphs, like "Buddhist Num Rewrites the Classics," or a wish list, like "A Literary Agent's Manuscript Wish List," that coheres to tell a story.)
  --You submitted an illustration/comic/piece under 10 words.

--You submitted something pop culture-y about celebrities, reality TV, etc. (As much as I enjoy it, this is not the column for it.)

--You pitched your own column within this column or something serialized. (This is the only column, and we publish a different writer every month or so.)
  --You satirized in the wrong way.
  --You began: “This is not a love story.”
  --You began: “This is a love story.”
  --You had five or more grammatical mistakes.
  --You thought you wrote something feminist, but you really wrote something racist.
  --You didn't read or adhere to the submission guidelines.
  --Maybe I am heartless.
  --Your submission wasn't a short humor submission.
  --You believe feminism = hating cis men or anything other than political, economic, and social equality for all people and cute animals.
  --You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.

If your piece is not published at this time:
Do not take it personally, which is something I'd do. Out of all the reasons why your piece was not accepted, very few have anything to do with your writing or you as a writer. Still, "rejection" is information, and before you submit elsewhere, I suggest revising and ensuring the piece fits the specific elsewhere. 

Help:
Here are some writing tips. 

Here are some writing prompts. 

Please direct any additional questions or snide remarks to: funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

Visit elissabassist.com if you're interested in what I look like or want to take a humor/satire writing class with me.

I look forward to our future friendship.

This section is for poetry book reviews.

The Rumpus has two reading periods for unsolicited original poetry. Unsolicited poetry can only be submitted during those reading periods to our Rumpus Original Poetry category. Please do not submit unsolicited poetry here; the submission will be discarded.

We’re focused on reviews of full-length poetry collections and chapbooks by both emerging and established poets. We accept drafts of completed reviews only; please do not submit pitches.

We’re eager for reviews that embrace the traditional form as well as those that challenge or experiment convention, that welcome the “I” and a reader’s personal relationship to a text, and that engage with the form beyond our own imaginations. Please disclose any relationship you have to the author of the book you’re reviewing, if one exists, so we may determine any conflict of interest.

Your review should be accessible to a general audience. We're more interested in the reader's experience of the poems, subject matter, arc, and the poet's use of craft than we are in scholarly criticism or theory. We love reviews that address how the collection interacts with poetic tradition, the current landscape of poetry, and that speaks to what the collection brings to our shared discourse as readers and writers.
Formatting details:

• Reviews should be between 1200–2500 words for full-length collections, 1000-1500 words for chapbooks.
• Please provide the following information at the top of your review: title of book being reviewed, author of book, name of press and publication date, reviewer's name and email address
• Reviews should be single-spaced and paginated.
• Poem excerpts of more than three lines should be formatted exactly as they appear on the page, and set off in the text of the review. Please include at least 1–2 excerpts of more than three lines. Shorter excerpts should be quoted within the text of the review using quotation marks and virgules ( / ), with one space ahead and behind the virgule to indicate line breaks. Poems cannot be reprinted/quoted in their entirety. When excerpting poems, spaces at the front of the line and within lines should be done using the space bar rather than the tab key.
• There is no need to cite page numbers within the review, but please check excerpts and quotes carefully to ensure they are free of errors and formatted correctly.
• In your cover letter, please include: your contact information and a brief bio that we would use should your review be accepted

All work must be previously unpublished—this includes personal blogs, websites, and social media. We do allow simultaneous submissions; please withdraw your review from Submittable if it is accepted elsewhere. Please wait at least three months from date of submission before querying about submission status.

Publishers seeking to submit finished books for review consideration should not use this Submittable account.

If you are interested in submitting a review of a poetry collection, please only do so in our Poetry Book Reviews category on Submittable. Do not submit poetry reviews here.

We're interested in thoughtful, engaging book reviews between 1200-2500 words. Please submit a finished draft of your review rather than a review pitch.

Reviews should be single-spaced and paginated. Please provide the following information in your cover letter and at the top of your review: Title of book, author's name, name of press, publication date, and your name and email address. In your cover letter, please also include your contact information and a brief bio that we would use should your review be accepted.

We prefer not to publish negative reviews, but it’s fine to discuss a specific weakness, lack, or question you have related to the book. Please disclose any relationship you have to the author of the book you’re reviewing if one exists; we do not accept reviews where a conflict of interest exists.

All work must be previously unpublished—this includes personal blogs, websites, and social media.

Publishers seeking to submit finished books for review consideration should not use this Submittable account; instead, please send a description of the book to our Books Editor at j.brooke@therumpus.net. For poetry collections, please reach out to poetry@therumpus.net.