Dear Writers,

So, you’ve decided you’re a woman or nonbinary writer and would like to submit to Funny Women. Out of all decisions, this is the best one you can make.

Submit:
Direct your entry below. Then immediately follow me on Twitter or Instagram.

Length:
The ideal piece is finished and polished, revised 3-100x, and between 650 and 1,000 words. I do not accept pitches or sexts.

Content:
While humor/satire is grounded in truth, we do not accept personal essays/anecdotes. We publish fiction. But not short stories, which are different from short conceptual humor and satire. For examples, please read our archive or other sites like ours (Daily Shouts, McSweeneys.net, The Belladonna, Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Flexx, Little Old Lady Comedy, Awf Magazine, etc.)

My favorite submissions:

Are literary and feminist at the same time. Usually they make fun of/ridicule writing, reading, publishing, and sexism.  

Note that publication is about "fit." Many pieces aren't published on a certain site NOT because they're bad but because they're not a FIT for THAT SITE. <3

Timely vs. timeless: 

Send evergreen over timely pieces (holiday themes, weather, politics, etc.) because it often takes months to read a submission after you've written, revised, submitted and followed up on it.

Cover letters:
Not necessary, but you should know it's 10x harder to pass on your submission if your cover letter is super nice and exudes confidence and evidence that you've read and loved the column/me.

Formatting:
No tricked-out formatting that tells me something about your soul. Keep it simple and readable.

To include in your submission:
Title of submission, your name, email address, and favorite piece of writing by someone who is not a straightwhitecisman.

Author bios:
Please! Even if you've never been published (and who cares if you haven't), you can still reveal the city where you live and if you have any pets.

Previously published work:
Nope. Send original pieces—not archived blog entries.

Payment:
Confirmation that you have in some way changed the world’s mind about who’s funny. (You'll get a little money, but keep your expectations low.) (Lower than that.)

Response time:
I have anxiety dreams and lifelong guilt that I don’t get back to you when you think I should. Please understand I receive hundreds of submissions and have day jobs. Response time varies—between two minutes and eight months. I know. Forgive me. Have patience. I care about you.

Assistant Regional Funny Women Sarah Garfinkel & Jennie Egerdie read submissions before I do, which has transformed the submission process. 

Reasons you might not hear back:
None. I’m not heartless. If you don’t hear back after eight months, then I didn’t get to your submission. Follow up with me via email: funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

How many pieces may I submit at once?

One. Wait until you hear back on one piece to submit another, and (this is me helping you) don't submit a new piece the moment after a non-acceptance (instead, reflect on why your first piece wasn't a fit for the column and how to improve the second).

Some reasons I might not choose your piece to appear on Funny Women:
 --You wrote a poem. (I love poetry but am not qualified to edit it.)
 --You wrote a personal essay or short story.
 --You submitted a "top 10 list" or a listicle. (McSweeney's Internet Tendency has a special section for lists; try them. Note: I do love lists that consist of 5-9 paragraphs, like "Buddhist Num Rewrites the Classics," or a wish list, like "A Literary Agent's Manuscript Wish List," that coheres to tell a story.)
 --You submitted an illustration/comic/piece under 10 words.

--You submitted something pop culture-y about celebrities, reality TV, etc. (As much as I enjoy it, this is not the column for it.)

--You pitched your own column within this column or something serialized. (This is the only column, and we publish a different writer every month or so.)
 --You satirized in the wrong way.
 --You began: “This is not a love story.”
 --You began: “This is a love story.”
 --You had five or more grammatical mistakes.
 --You thought you wrote something feminist, but you really wrote something racist.
 --You didn't read or adhere to the submission guidelines.
 --Maybe I am heartless.
 --Your submission wasn't a short humor submission.
 --You believe feminism = hating cis men or anything other than political, economic, and social equality for all people and cute animals.
 --You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.

If your piece is not published at this time:
Do not take it personally, which is something I'd do. Out of all the reasons why your piece was not accepted, very few have anything to do with your writing or you as a writer. Still, "rejection" is information, and before you submit elsewhere, I suggest revising and ensuring the piece fits the specific elsewhere. 

Help:
Here are some writing tips. 

Here are some writing prompts. 

Please direct any additional questions or snide remarks to: funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

Visit elissabassist.com if you're interested in what I look like or want to take a humor/satire writing class with me.

I look forward to our future friendship.